Stuck in the past

it’s difficult to try and improve yourself when everyone in your family has a shared mentality about dealing with problems. I am trying to learn not to dwell on the past but my family doesn’t exactly set a great example. My family has been hit with hurdle after hurdle this year, with family illnesses, financial troubles, car accidents, and internal struggles. At one point we were going to have to move to another state or a shady neighborhood (or should I say shadier neighborhood). One thing after another took a toll on morale for this family. I did being to worry and stress out until I started getting panic attacks and then my grades started to drop from my usual A’s. Now that I’m at the end of the semester and I look back, I think I held it together pretty well because mentally, I was not stable. The stress and uncertainty took a toll. Thankfully, I was able to maintain my A’s to the end of the semester. What have I learned from all of this and my family’s failure to cope with obstacles? I have learned that doing anything that doesn’t help is useless. The arguing back and forth, the constant talking about what if and what should have been, the pointing of fingers, all of that is utterly useless. At times I feel as though apathy is the best policy.

Needs improvement.

I realize there are so many things I need to improve on. I don’t want a single ounce of self-loathing in me. I need to stop being so bitter about the past. I need to stop being a quitter. Whenever problems arise I go running in the other direction, in relationships, in friendships, in everything. I always want to quit on something before it quits on me. My procrastination derives from my fear of failure, I purposely sabotage things in order to have excuses as to why, instead of accepting that I failed, that I did not perfectly accomplish something. I never wanted to give my heart away because guys could never break something they didn’t have. All my failed friendships made me a cynical woman. I realize I’m very cynical about friends, close ones. Girls can get paranoid, competitive, and hurtful so I put up a wall, hoping that it would protect me but people always seem to get in.

I need to remember, I’m beautiful, the past is the past, and shit happens I need to face it. I should always try my best and if I can’t do something as perfectly as I want, I will try harder to improve it until it meets my standards. There will always be good people out there for me to meet, I already know a few, the few I know have true good intentions, who are real and have no heinous personality hidden behind some mask they wear in front of me or the public.

Why the fuck am I airing out my dirty laundry, I have no idea. I guess because I was inspired by Debbie’s video and wanted to..to..show my authenticity, my flaws, my fears, etc.

Apply what you learn.

I’ve learned so many things in my communications class. I have yet to apply it. I need to learn to not let things get to me. To be professional and let no one crack the mask I put on my face. That’s what it’s like to be professional, to be respectable, to be proper to show that nothing phases you and approach the situation accordingly. I can’t seem to do that, my emotions always get the best of me, maybe that’s the childish side of me. There’s no mask, you could read every expression, every non-verbal form of communication I show. I need to improve.

Don’t back down

I won’t put up with people’s shit anymore! Even if it lags for me to react, I will say something when it catches up. STAND YOUR GROUND. If something someone says insults you, tell them, have them correct themselves or own up to their bitchy remark. But the same goes for you, you got to own up to your mistakes. Yes mistakes are made everyday, but people don’t always own up to them. It takes a special person, with integrity to own up to their mistakes because it’s never easy to admit that you’re wrong. You just got to swallow your pride and do what’s right. If you get an apology, and it is a sincere one, let it go, don’t hold on because nothing will get solved. Identify your mistake, learn from it, and make sure not to repeat it. That’s how you can improve yourself for the future. I know this shit, now I just got to follow it.

Too much

Everyday since, I’ve been taking baby steps trying to improve myself, little by little. But today threw me back three steps. I’ve been on a good path but there were too many reminders of you. Too many couples. Reminders of that empty feeling. The loneliness. It was just too much.

I promise

In order for me to maintain my sanity and reasonable thought process, I need to promise myself I will not check up on either of you. I won’t allow it because it would exploit my weakness to both of you. I mustn’t resort to my old ways. I need to improve. I can do it. I will do it. Failure is not an option. I mustn’t falter. I promise.