More birthday hate

Another thing that pisses me off..when I think about the presents I’ve been given in the past. The presents showed me how last minute, dgaf attitude they felt about that day and present. I guess they were too absorbed in themselves to be thoughtful for someone else. This is why I gave up giving a fuck about anyone else’s birthday. Why waste my effort. If its not the present itself its the way it is presented. It just goes to show me how little these people know me..even though we were “close friends”.

Pouring out some thoughts

I was planning on posting this on Facebook, but I realized I didn’t want the comments that would follow it.

People say “Happy Birthday” to wish me a happy birhtday but little do they know I just get depressed on my birthdays. It has nothing to do with aging, for your information. I don’t know why but throughout my life I have made a connection between birthdays and bad things. Bad things like people feeling unappreciated or others being limelight whores. Bad things like unequal reciprocation of gifts or thought. Bad things like empty words. I don’t know. The more I think about it the more I get depressed. I’m sure the fact that my family stopped celebrating my birthday at an early age didn’t help, but hey I guess that’s what happens when you need to live within your means. Maybe that’s what it is, maybe it brings up bad things like feelings of neglect and insignificance. Man, I’m fucked up in the head..or just over thinking some depressing shit. Or maybe I just need to go to bed. I bid you adieu.

I need to find..

I need to find a girl friend that

- isn’t insecure so she won’t take out her insecurities on me.

- isn’t in a ridiculous relationship so I don’t have to repetitively hear all the complaints she won’t do anything about.

- isn’t overly conceited so she isn’t always try to be in the spotlight.

- isn’t a liar because I hate pathological liars.

- isn’t competitive so she isn’t always trying to out do everyone in everything.

because it has been a while since I’ve had one like that. I think I’ve only met a handful of girls like that in my lifetime. I appreciate the Susan’s and Nancy’s out there that are caring, supportive, honest, assertive, and has their shit together. Fuck it’s been a while. It’s easy to find easy going guys who are chill and unlikely to give all these types of problems. To find a girl like that is like trying to find a needle in a haystack. I need to find that diamond in the rough.

This is for you girls out there.

This is my big fuck you to those girls who I thought were my “friends” but instead fucked with my self esteem all the while knowing I had terrible self-esteem AND all the while knowing people already thought they were prettier than me so WTF did you want from me?! It’s okay though, your ugly personality will attract similar personalities and you’ll get to experience it first hand ( : thanks for the anon messages about how ugly & etc I am, have a nice life getting FUCKED. Just kidding I already know you have a shitty life and I’m glad karma actually comes around ( :

“They say a person needs just three things to be truly happy in this world: someone to love, something to do, and something to hope for.”- Tom Bodett (via migeru)

! have one out of the three but I’m still lost when it comes to what I want to do and I need that to have something to hope for.

Sigh, I don’t feel like I’m talented in any particular thing or have any exceptional quality..so I don’t know exactly what to aim for.

The uncertainty is stressing me out.

I didn’t realize the relief you get from an escape until I needed one. I guess the theaters aren’t as bad as I thought they were.

Face palm

when people are in shitty relationships but they stay in them.

when people keep toxic friends who put them down and they stay friends with them.

when people choose to stay in or be involved in drama, to only stress over the drama.

when people make stupid financial decisions and continue to do so even after the consequences of the first mistake.

when people think they have invested so much time in something stupid which makes them stay, when they are only wasting more time on something stupid.

when people seek out meaningful relationships with the wrong people because they were looking in the wrong places.

I had a conversation with a classmate today about a book called the 7 levels of power or something like that. How people put others down because they themselves lack self-acceptance, therefore they take it out on others, in many cases those who are close to them. But in the end they end up with no friends because no one wants to be friends with that kind of destructive personality.

You have free will, you have a choice, gtfo or don’t complain. Lesson of the day. In addition to the fact that I learned in psychology how badly stress fucks you up, so why purposely put yourself in situations where you’d have to stress. That’s just dumb ( :

On another note I made a few more friends today n__n might decide to try dancing?! (no none of that whorey shit LOL) I need to keep pushing my comfort zone. Shyness will get you no where in life or at least thats what all my professors keep telling me x__x

Rant: I should be studying for the 3 exams coming up this week but all I can think about is shopping..wtf is wrong with me -____-

I’m not looking for someone who has everything. I’d rather have someone who has nothing but does everything they can to make me happy.

My boyfriend n__n oh honey, you work so hard <3

The Real World

I was such a sheltered child that I don’t feel like I’m prepared for the difficulties of the real world. The smallest things to other people give me the most unnerving anxiety attacks. I wish I was more exposed to the harsh realities of life so that I’m not left defenseless when thrown into this wilderness.

Down in the Dumps

Sometimes I feel like the biggest failure. At times I can’t even do the simplest things correctly. My memory always fails me. I often feel like I lack the skill and motivation to do anything. I just feel like I can’t do anything right. Maybe I’m a little too hard on myself, and comparing myself to others doesn’t help but it paints a realistic picture of what little skills I feel like I possess. I always fear imperfection and criticism. I always get anxiety at the thought of failing that I can’t focus or do things at ease. Things I found fun seem more like a chore now. I lack passion and motivation. I lack skill and courage. Every failure is a reason to be discouraged. I want to have something to be passionate about.

In exchange for a life with little-to-no-problems, I don’t get to have many experiences..

Seeing how different someone’s life is compared to mine really puts my life into perspective.

Feed my ego

Sometimes I wish there was a guy who enjoyed taking pictures of me and doing it well enough to make me feel beautiful. I’m just too picky about photos of me :/