Walls

As I sit here alone, I come to realize what it is, that is wrong with me. I can’t let go of the past. The past keeps me strong, yet leaves a kink in my shield. I learn from the past then I build walls, and they just continue to grow over the years. In the past, there was someone who was within reach of my heart, before the pain, before the suffering, and before the walls. In the end, I got hurt, and I learned. Then I observed other girls and their relationships. Watching their pain was enough to motivate me to continue building my walls. “I will never let someone hurt me, I’ll never let them touch my heart”, that was something I said to myself, and I’ve stuck by it. The sad thing is that it comes at a cost, just like everything else does, in this case at the cost of love. Which results in a life alone. I honestly don’t know how to love someone unconditionally. That puts my heart at too much of a risk. After him, I only went for nice guys. This is when the cycles began. I broke one heart after the next. I thought maybe a nice guy would melt this cold heart of mine, maybe love would burn down these walls, but it never did, never even got close. So now I sit here pondering what love feels like, people describe it, explain it, they just say what ever, but I still don’t understand it. I don’t know where I’m getting at, I just decided to spill my heart out because a song made me think of those bad times. I just want to give up. I don’t want to hurt nice guys anymore, they don’t deserve it, I don’t want to get hurt, so why try. I’ll just see where life takes me and hope someone can break down these walls of mine.